My Little Biological Impossibility
by show-me-your-tardis
Summary: When Shepard starts presenting strange symptoms, the Normandy Crew contemplate what it would be like having a turian-human baby on deck. Shepard may or may not be panicking, and Garrus may or may not have disappeared.


Shepard lined up her shot, and took down the last Cerberus soldier with one bullet. She congratulated her crew over the comm, and got enthusiastic replies from Tali and Garrus. It was time to find the terminal and steal all the data Cerberus had on the reapers.

She stood up, and her stomach flipped. The sudden urge to throw up rose inside her, and she pressed a hand to her mouth. Was it just her, or was the facility spinning sickeningly?

"Shepard, we're at the terminal." Tali's voice buzzed over the comm.

"Can you hack it?" Shepard asked.

"Can I hack it?" Tali echoed, like it was a stupid question, "Of course, I can hack it."

Shepard's breakfast was swirling inside her stomach. From where she stood, she could see Tali and Garrus gathered around a glowing terminal. There were a number of desks between her and her crew, and Shepard wasn't sure she'd make it before her stomach gave out on her. She lowered herself back to the ground, ducking behind cover to avoiding alarming her crew.

The nausea had come along suddenly, but Shepard wasn't that surprised. If she was honest with herself, she'd noticed a couple of flu symptoms recently. For starters, there were the headaches she'd had on and off for the past few days. Her back ached constantly, and exhaustion weighed at her shoulders.

She had ignored them for the most part. She was fighting a war, after all, it was no wonder her body was suffering. This sickness would pass, like all the other symptoms. There was no need to alarm anyone. She muted her comm, just in case.

Her stomach clenched inside her, and bile crawled up her throat. She barely managed to lean to the side before she threw up. She ended up on her hands and knees, throwing up in a Cerberus facility. It wasn't the most dignified moment of her life.

"Shepard, you're missing all the fun." Garrus's voice buzzed into her ear, but she couldn't stop long enough to reply.

"I'm almost done here, Shepard. Where are you?" Tali asked.

Shepard leaned back on her ankles, and wiped her mouth on her glove. All she wanted to do right now was lie down and take a long nap. She knew she couldn't. She stood up, ignoring the acrobatics her stomach was doing, and headed for her crew.

"On my way." Shepard said, unmuting her comm.

When she reached the terminal, Tali was sifting through the stolen data on her omnitool. Shepard was going to be sick again, but she was determined to ignore it. The saviour of the galaxy could not afford to get the flu.

"Are you okay?" Garrus asked, narrowing his eyes at Shepard, "You look a little..."

"Green." Tali said.

"I'm fine. Let's just get to the extraction point." Shepard said, grimacing when her stomach jumped again.

"Do you need a hand getting there? I could carry you." Garrus said, mandibles flaring into a smile.

"Pick me up and I'll shoot you." Shepard warned with a laugh.

She turned on her heels and lead Garrus and Tali back out of the facility, heading for the extraction point. Garrus and Tali started arguing about who had taken down the most troopers, and Shepard focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and not throwing up. She let her friends' arguments fade into nothing more than buzzing, and concentrated on her breathing.

By the time they made it to the waiting shuttle, Shepard felt a lot better. Her nausea had disappeared almost as fast as it had appeared. She climbed into the shuttle after Garrus and Tali, and took a seat. She ignored the suspicious glances her crew shot her, and hoped she didn't smell too much.

– – –

"Commander, Admiral Hackett is on vid comm." Traynor said when Shepard got back to the CIC.

Shepard sighed, and thanked Traynor. She had been hoping to take a long shower, and maybe ask Mordin for something to settle her stomach, but that didn't look like it would happen now. She made her way through the war room, and opened a link to Admiral Hackett.

"Shepard." Hackett greeted, "Congratulations on your success in the Cerberus facility. That data will come in handy in the upcoming war."

"It was no problem, Sir." Shepard said. She swallowed a lump in her throat and gripped the guard rail around the holographic Hackett. Now was really not the time to throw up again. Like earlier, her nausea rolled through her suddenly.

"Are you okay, Shepard? You seem a little..."

"Green?" Shepard offered, "I'm fine, Sir. Just a cold."

Hackett hummed, and settled into parade rest, "Perhaps you should take some time off. I can't lose my best chance in this war to the flu."

"With all due respect, Sir, I don't think that's necessary. I'm fine." Shepard said, even as she mentally mapped out the way to the nearest bathroom.

"Still, you and your crew deserve a break after all your hard work. Head to the Citadel, take a few days for shore leave. I want you in top condition, when you head to Tuchanka." Hackett said, he nodded his head once, "Hackett out."

Shepard was glad for the short vid comm. She managed to make it to the bathroom just in time. Although, the Alliance crew member she knocked to the ground would probably have some choice words to say about her.

– – –

"How suddenly?" Liara asked.

Shepard matched her pace with Liara's as they headed down to Apollo's Cafe on the Presidium. Shepard's nausea had disappeared completely, and now all she could think about were Apollo's burgers. They were nicer than the ones back on earth, which Shepard found amazing. Her mouth was watering at the thought of them.

Ever since Hackett had mentioned the Citadel, Shepard had been craving a giant burger, covered with ketchup.

"Suddenly like, one second I'm shooting Cerberus and the next I'm puking my guts out on the floor." Shepard said.

A nearby salarian shot her a look, and Shepard realised she should probably keep her voice down. Hearing about the great Commander Shepard throwing up, probably wouldn't improve morale.

Liara hummed and narrowed her eyes, "Are you presenting any other symptoms?"

"Like what?" Shepard asked.

She spotted Tali and EDI sat at their usual table, right near the edge of the balcony. Tali waved them over, and Liara and Shepard weaved around tables to get to them. As soon as they sat down, a waitress bustled over and took their drink order.

"And I'll have the biggest cheeseburger you sell." Shepard said, folding her menu up without even looking at it. She knew what she wanted.

"Right away." The waitress said, collecting Shepard's menu and marching off to the kitchens.

"How are you feeling, Shepard?" Tali asked.

"Hungry." Shepard said.

Around them groups of different species sat and talked loudly. Some were eating, others were just drinking. A lot of them were laughing, and Shepard was glad to see the war hadn't gotten to them all yet.

"Hunger, nausea, what else?" Liara asked, tapping something out on her omnitool.

Shepard brushed her hair off her forehead, "I don't know. I'm tired a lot."

"Fatigue." Liara said.

"Back pain. Shoulder pain. Muscle pain, in general really." Shepard said, sitting up straighter in her chair and groaning as her joints cracked.

The waitress reappeared with their drinks. Shepard took a long swig of her orange juice, wondering how long she'd manage to keep it down for. At least they were on shore leave. She wasn't in danger of being shot while throwing up. Now that would be embarrassing, dying in a puddle of her own vomit. What a way to go.

"What is this about?" EDI asked, drumming her fingers on the table.

"Shepard is unwell." Liara said, still tapping at her omnitool.

Tali dropped her straw and looked up at Shepard, "Are you contagious?"

She leaned as far away from Shepard as she could manage without slipping out of her chair. Even though she had her mask on, she still covered the mouth-part with her hands.

"It's just the flu." Shepard said, waving her hand dismissively. Her burger still wasn't here, and her stomach was growling impatiently.

"Maybe for you!" Tali said, "For me it's a death sentence!"

"You are in your suit, Tali." EDI reminded her.

"But I've never been around a sick human before. I don't know how strong their germs are. Maybe they have tools!" Tali said.

"Tali, it's fine, really. It's just a common, human flu. The only people at risk of catching anything off me, are Vega, Cortez, and Joker. I'll just get Mordin to give them shots." Shepard said.

Finally, her burger arrived. The smell of her burger and fries made her stomach growl louder. The waitress placed a knife and a fork on either side of the plate, before rushing off the serve another table.

Shepard ignored the cutlery altogether, and grabbed the burger with her hands. She took the biggest bite she could managed, smearing ketchup along her lip. She moaned in satisfaction, no one could beat Apollo's burgers.

She was halfway through her burger, when she realised her friends weren't speaking. EDI, Tali, and Liara were all looking at her in concern. Shepard put down her burger, and wiped her mouth with her napkin so she didn't look completely like an animal.

"What?" She asked, swallowing.

"I didn't know you had such horrible table manners." Liara said, a smile quirking her lips.

"Oh, sorry." Shepard said, feeling a blush colour her cheeks. Shepard picked up a fry and bit into it, "I've just been craving this thing since this morning."

"Food cravings." Liara mumbled.

"No, that's not a symptom. It's just a nice burger." Shepard said, scooping her burger up again. This time she held onto some of her dignity and took smaller, less animal-like, bites.

When Liara didn't stop typing on her omnitool, Shepard lowered her burger again and took a sip of orange juice. She nudged Liara under the table, "Liara! I'm fine. All my symptoms are common in someone fighting a war. It's just stress and reapers. Really."

"I'm still going to get Glyph to check it out." Liara said.

She pressed a button on her omnitool and Glyph appeared. A tinier version of Glyph, than the one in Liara's cabin, floated into the centre of the table. The little holographic sphere positioned himself on top of the flower arrangement, and spun around to look at them all, before facing Liara again, "Hello, Doctor T'Soni."

"Glyph, can you run a search on the Commander's symptoms." Liara asked, picking up her drink and sipping it.

"I am already running a search for those symptoms, presenting in a female human of the Commander's age." Glyph said, sounding proud, "It will only take a few more seconds."

"Thank you, Glyph." Liara said.

Shepard finished her burger and offered her fries around, but no one seemed as hungry as she was. Although that was probably because out of the four of them, only two of them could actually eat the fries. Shepard ate them all, wondering if it would be okay to order a second burger. She blamed her huge appetite, on the forceful emptying of her stomach this morning.

"My search is complete, Doctor T'Soni." Glyph said, he spun to face Shepard, "Of all the possible illnesses involving your symptoms, the top result is pregnancy."

Shepard dropped her glass, spilling orange juice across the table. No one moved. Even Tali remained frozen when the orange juice spread across the table and dripped off the edge onto her leg. Liara, Tali, and EDI stared at Shepard with wide-eyes.

"What?" Shepard choked out.

"No... that can't be right." Liara said, "Repeat the search."

"Yes, Doctor T'Soni." Glyph said.

"I thought you and Garrus couldn't..." Tali trailed off, waving her hand in the air to encompass the end of her sentence.

"We can't. We definitely can't. Right?" Shepard asked, desperately hoping one of them would agree with her.

Her and Garrus couldn't conceive. Mordin had said they had different proteins. They couldn't even eat the same food! There was no way they could have a child. A turian and a human couldn't conceive a child, they just couldn't!

Oh god. She imagined what her and Garrus's biologically impossible offspring would look like. Suddenly, she wished she hadn't eaten all those fries. Her nausea was back, but this time she suspected it was less to do with the flu, and more to do with the idea of being pregnant, _in the middle of a war._

"Search complete. Top result, pregnancy." Glyph said.

Shepard lowered her head to her hands. EDI opened her omnitool and waved it over her. Shepard was too busy thinking about giving birth to something as rough and spiky as Garrus, to notice EDI scanning her. A waitress had come over to clear up Shepard's orange juice, but the four of them were all too stunned to thank her.

"There are increased levels of estrogen and progesterone in your system, Shepard. This could indicate pregnancy." EDI confirmed, reading her omnitool. Shepard looked up just in time to see a female human figure on the screen, before EDI shut it off.

"Pregnancy." Shepard repeated. She was half convinced her brain had melted and poured out of her ears.

"You haven't... been with anyone else, have you?" Tali asked.

Shepard stared at her, "No. No! Just Garrus. And like I said, Garrus and I can't have children. We're completely different species. It isn't possible. Right? _Right?_ "

No one would maintain eye contact with her. Liara ordered Glyph back into her omnitool, and Shepard stared at her. If anyone could tell her the pregnancy was impossible it was Liara. Shepard waited for her to laugh and tell her she was joking, but she didn't. She just finished off her drink in silence.

Shepard stared out at the people around them, her hand clenched into a fist. An asari at a table nearby was noting something down on her omnitool, she looked vaguely familiar, but Shepard wasn't in the mood to figure out where she knew her from. A few C-Sec officers were enjoying their break at another table, and two humans were lost deep in conversation at the far end of the cafe.

"I don't understand why you are so upset, Commander. It is my understanding that organics want to reproduce." EDI said.

"I'm not interested in reproducing!" Shepard exclaimed. A few heads turned towards her, and Shepard ducked her head, hoping to god no one recognised her. She lowered her voice, "I have a war to win. I can't be running around changing diapers."

Shepard wiped a hand across her clammy forehead. It was suddenly so public here. She needed to be alone. She needed her cabin. She needed... she needed a pregnancy test.

"I can't be pregnant. I can't be." She repeated, as though, if she said it enough, it would become true.

"You and Garrus still use..." Liara shot her an uncomfortable glance, "Protection, right?"

"We don't have to!" Shepard said.

"Don't you have to take two pills every day?" Tali asked.

"Well, yeah. But that's not to stop us conceiving, it's so I don't drop dead in bed!" Shepard said.

Her breathing had picked up now and her heart was pounding against her ribs. The longer this conversation went on, the more anxious she became. The idea of her being pregnant with Garrus's child had once been laughable, but now it seemed plausible.

No, it didn't only seem _plausible,_ it seemed to literally be happening. She pressed a hand to her stomach. Could there be a turian-human hybrid living inside her?

Then she remembered something. Human females had another way of telling if they were pregnant. Shepard never tracked it, because it was hard to tell just how much earth time had passed while she was in space. Plus, she wasn't sure if her body was still on earth time. Honestly, she'd never checked in with anyone about it.

"How long has passed on earth since we brought Mordin aboard?" Shepard asked.

She received three shrugs in response. Even EDI didn't know. Shepard tried to count it out on her fingers, but she just couldn't tell. Whether it had been a day on earth, or two months on earth, she had no idea. But she really, really needed to find out.

If she was late. If she'd missed a period without even realising it, that would seal it for her. She'd have to start planning where to put a crib in her cabin.

"I need a human." Shepard said.

Then she saw him, and she regretted ever saying anything. Vega walked into Apollo's cafe with an unfamiliar human girl on his arm. He said something to make her giggle and then lead her to a table. Shepard contemplated her options.

She could ask a random human how much time has passed on earth, and raise suspicion about her mental wellbeing. She pictured the headline of tomorrow's news – SHEPARD CAN'T TELL TIME, STILL EXPECTS TO WIN WAR.

Or, she could ask Vega and risk raising suspicion with him. At least if he suspected anything, he wouldn't go blabbing to the press.

Without giving it anymore thought, Shepard stood up and marched towards Vega and his date. The girl saw her before Vega did, and her eyes lit up. She said something that looked a lot like, _oh my god, it's Commander Shepard,_ and Vega turned to face her. He looked slightly annoyed at the interruption.

"Vega. Can I talk to you?" Shepard asked, jerking her head to a quiet part of the Presidium.

"This better be important, Lola." Vega muttered, standing up. He apologised to his date, and followed Shepard out of the cafe.

Shepard lead him to a potted plant, and leaned her hip against the guardrail of the balcony. Vega crossed his arms over his chest, and waited. Shepard watched the shuttles fly by, wondering whether space travel would make her baby even weirder than it already was. Did gravity affect feotal development?

Really, she knew nothing about pregnancy or babies. This baby was doomed.

"How much earth time has passed since we brought Mordin aboard?" Shepard asked, finally breaking her silence.

"That's what you wanted me for?" Vega asked incredulously, "Is your omnitool broken?"

"Oh, right." Shepard said, bringing up her omnitool. Using that had never occurred to her. She had been so lost in the idea of a baby growing inside her, that all common sense had just left her head.

"About a month." Vega said, even though Shepard could just check her omnitool now, "Thirty five-ish days."

"A month." Shepard said, blanching.

A month had passed in earth time and she hadn't had her period. She was late. She wondered if anyone would notice if she threw up over the side of the balcony. Hell, she wondered if anyone would notice if she leapt over it.

Vega's annoyance at being interrupted disappeared and he placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder. His face was full of concern.

"Hey, Lola. What is it? What's up?" He asked.

"Nothing... I..." Shepard couldn't even form words.

In nine months time she'd have a baby. Would the war still be raging in nine months? Would her baby grow up in a reaper ravished galaxy? Did turian pregnancies gestate for nine months? Or was it longer? Shorter? _Did they lay eggs?_

Why had she not been taught the reproductive cycles of turians!

Shepard realised Vega was still talking, and she focused on what he was saying, "...sick. Are you sure you're okay? Do you want help back to the Normandy?"

"No. I'm fine." Shepard said, even though she wasn't. Even though what she was, was the complete opposite of fine. She was screwed beyond belief. She was about to give birth to the first human-turian hybrid, and it was going to be the weirdest thing the galaxy had ever seen.

"Are you sure?" Vega asked, tightening his grip on her shoulder, ever so slightly.

Shepard nodded and forced a smile. No one else could find out about her pregnancy until she told Garrus. He could help her figure this out. He could start by telling her what turian babies looked like, and whether she'd need surgery just to get the thing out of her.

"Get back to your date." Shepard smiled. She moved to punch Vega on the arm but he caught her hand before she could.

He shook his head, and dropped her hand, grinning, "You'll have to be faster than that if you wanna hit me, Lola."

"Go on. Before she leaves you." Shepard ordered.

He nodded and walked back to his date, leaving Shepard standing near the potted plant alone. She held onto the guardrail so tightly, her knuckles turned white. Even though she was freaking out inside, she managed to maintain enough logical thought to think this through, without panicking and leaping over the balcony.

So, her symptoms all suggested pregnancy. Her late period furthered this theory. But she hadn't done a pregnancy test yet, her fate was not sealed. She also needed to talk to Mordin. If anyone could educate her on the chances of her conceiving a baby with Garrus, it was him. She headed back to Liara, Tali, and EDI feeling a lot calmer.

"We got you another orange juice." Tali said when Shepard sat down.

The asari at the table next to them was staring at her. Shepard ignored her. She wasn't in the mood for autographs or a random retrieval mission right now. She thanked her friends for the drink and took a tentative sip. Her stomach was still doing flips, but now Shepard thought of them as kicks. She knew it wasn't possible. If she was pregnant, her baby couldn't be kicking yet.

Still, she couldn't get the thought out of her head.

"Shepard..." Tali began, she faced Shepard and wringed her hands, "I know you said no before, but you and Vega... never... ah..."

"No!" Shepard said, "No. I just asked him for earth time."

"And?" Liara asked.

"It's been a month. Which means I'm possibly... very likely... almost definitely, pregnant." Shepard said, lowering her glass to the table.

"Oh." Liara said.

"Congratulations?" Tali asked.

"What are you going to do now, Shepard?" EDI asked.

"I just want to sit down for a bit. Take it all in. Then..." Shepard stared off into the distance, thinking about Alliance maternity leave, and cribs, and late night feedings. She shook herself, "Then I need to find Garrus."

– – –

After stressing out for another hour, Shepard finally headed back to the Normandy. Tali came with her, while Liara went to look at armour, and EDI went to find Joker. Tali didn't say much, and they headed back in silence.

There was nothing left for Shepard to say other than: _"Hey Garrus, guess who's gonna be a daddy."_

Back on the Normandy, Tali walked off to the lounge, wishing Shepard luck, and Shepard went to the medbay. When she opened the door, she found it empty. Her luck couldn't get any worse. No one was there, not even Eve. Shepard ran a hand through her hair. There must be a pregnancy test on board somewhere.

Chakwas thought of everything, and she knew about Garrus and Shepard. Surely she would have brought some just in case.

But as she looked around at the piles of boxes, and the cupboards, and the drawers, Shepard realised she had no idea where to look. She could spend another hour or so searching for a pregnancy test, or she could face her fears and tell Garrus. He deserved to know, even if Shepard wasn't sure what she was going to do with the baby yet.

It wasn't certain. There was still the tiniest bit of hope that Glyph had misinterpreted her symptoms. Maybe Shepard could put off telling Garrus? At least until Mordin came back. He must be on the Citadel somewhere. Shepard could always go find him.

Shepard left the medbay. She could put this off forever, but it wouldn't change the fact that there was an alien parasite in her womb. She headed up the catwalk to the main battery, hoping Garrus was still on-board. He might be on the Citadel somewhere, but she hoped not. She couldn't tell him in public, the press would have a field day.

When the doors opened, a confusing mixture of relief and disappointment flooded through her. Garrus was stood there, tapping away at his terminal. He barely looked up when she walked in.

"You know we're on shore leave, Vakarian?" Shepard asked, hoping she didn't sound as panicked as she felt.

"Just finishing up, Shepard." Garrus tapped another couple of buttons before turning to her. His mandibles flared out into a smile, "Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Purgatory. Maybe try that first-date thing you've been talking about."

Shepard looked away from Garrus, frowning. This wasn't fair. She didn't want a baby! Garrus didn't want a baby! Why was there a baby at all? She fiddled with a loose thread on her jacket, and Garrus reached a hand towards her.

"Shepard?" He asked.

"I have something to tell you." Shepard said, looking up. She met his eyes without flinching. She could do this. She was Commander Shepard! She had destroyed a collector base and come back from the dead. She could tell her boyfriend she was pregnant.

"Garrus, I-"

"SHEPARD!" Tali burst into the main battery, cutting Shepard off. She was panting slightly, and had clearly ran here from the lounge.

"Tali, I'm in the middle of something." Shepard said. She didn't mean to sound so harsh, but she knew that if she didn't get this out now, she'd never say it. And in nine months time when she gave birth, Garrus would still not have an explanation.

"I know. I'm sorry. You really have to see this." Tali said urgently.

"Tali." Shepard warned.

"I wouldn't interrupt. It's just so important. Please." Tali begged.

"Fine." Shepard said, she turned back to Garrus, "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Garrus looked between Tali and Shepard a few times, before nodding. He turned back to his terminal, as Shepard followed Tali down the catwalk. Shepard glanced back to the main battery several times before she reached the kitchen, wondering how Garrus would react. Maybe he'd welcome the idea of a genetic impossibility for a child.

Tali walked quickly, heading back to the lounge without stopping to explain. Shepard felt a growing sense of dread as she followed. Tali knew what Shepard had been going to do, she wouldn't have interrupted unless what she had to show her was bad. Really, really bad.

They reached the lounge, and Tali ushered Shepard inside. The screen on the wall was on, and a news segment had been paused. Shepard recognised the asari reporting. It was the one who had been sat next to them at the cafe... the one who had been writing something on her omnitool and staring at Shepard.

 _Oh no._

Tali pressed play and the asari started talking, "In other news, a shocking revelation has come to light aboard the Alliance starship, The Normandy."

"Oh no." Shepard echoed her thoughts out loud and sank into a chair.

"Commander Shepard, first human spectre, was overheard today, discussing a possible pregnancy!" The asari said, and Shepard buried her face in her hands. If she ever met this asari again, there were going to consequences.

The asari continued, "She was spotted in Apollo's cafe with her crew mates, Liara T'Soni, Tali Zorah vas Normandy, and EDI. Shepard was overheard stating her interest in reproduction, and receiving congratulations from her crew."

"Turn it off." Shepard mumbled.

"That's not the worst part." Tali said.

"No, don't say that." Shepard groaned. She looked up at the screen though the gaps in her fingers, and watched Tali fast forward it. She pressed play again at a seemingly random point, and Shepard gritted her teeth, ready for whatever was about to happen.

She wasn't ready enough.

"...seen with the father of her child, Alliance marine, James Vega." The asari said. Shepard's heart stopped and the asari's image on screen was replaced with a photo of her and Vega stood by the potted plant.

The picture had been snapped at just the right moment. Vega looked to be holding Shepard's hand lovingly, and she looked like she was dreamily gazing into his eyes. In reality, Shepard knew that a second before the photo, she had been going to hit Vega, but the viewers didn't know that. She stared at the picture, wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed and never come out.

"Turn it off." Shepard repeated, and Tali flicked off the screen. She sat next to Shepard on the couch, and folded her hands in her lap. Shepard stared at her, "How many people watch that?"

"It's the second most popular news vid." Tali said.

Shepard groaned and covered her face again, "How screwed am I?"

"Very." Tali stated matter-of-factly.

– – –

Shepard had gone through the five stages of grief, and was now, begrudgingly, at acceptance. She had avoided researching turian-human babies, because she had enough nightmares already. But she had still searched for human pregnancy symptoms. The more she looked at them, the more she was sure she'd experienced all of them.

After the news problem, Shepard had ran to her cabin and refused to come back out. Tali had offered to keep her company but Shepard had refused. Right now she wanted to be alone. She especially didn't want to see Vega, Garrus, or Hackett.

Vega because he was probably pissed at somehow impregnating Shepard without the benefit of seeing her naked. Garrus because he was probably pissed at Shepard for cheating on him, and not even being safe about it. And Hackett because... well, Shepard didn't know the rules about pregnant Commanders, and she didn't want to lose her ship.

So she had decided to stay in her cabin for the rest of her life, and fight reapers from up here.

Okay, maybe not forever, just until Mordin came back aboard and she could find out definitively if she was pregnant. Shepard sighed and tried to intercom EDI.

"EDI? Are you aboard?" Shepard asked.

"I am, Commander. Jeff and I returned ten minutes ago." EDI radioed back.

"Is Mordin aboard?" Shepard asked.

There was a pause before EDI replied, "He is not."

"Thanks, EDI." Shepard said.

Shepard steeled herself and headed for the lift. Maybe talking to other people would calm her down. She just needed to move about. She had been sat at her terminal for a long time, staring at the screen. She was filled with an anxious energy that she needed to burn off.

– – –

Shepard made it to the flight deck without seeing Vega or Garrus. She walked up to the flight deck, hearing laughter at the front of the ship. When she stepped into the room, Joker stopped laughing and spun his chair to face her.

"I can't picture you as a mum." Joker said.

"You saw it, huh?" Shepard asked with a sigh. She zipped her hoodie all the way to her neck. She wasn't showing, obviously, but she didn't like the idea of people checking to see if she was.

"Saw what?" Joker asked.

"The news vid." Shepard said.

"There's a news vid?" Joker asked, his eyes lit up with childish glee. Shepard grimaced. Great, now that was probably going to be broadcasted to every screen on the ship when Joker got his hands on it.

"How did you know, if not the vid?" Shepard asked.

"EDI." Joker shrugged.

"EDI." Shepard warned.

"I am sorry, Commander. Jeff asked me what was new, I answered his question." EDI said, spinning her chair around to face Shepard.

Shepard sighed and shrugged, there was no point trying to keep it a secret now. Half the galaxy probably knew their supposed saviour didn't know how to use birth control. And the other half would find out when the news vid repeated later tonight.

"Hey, if you cure the genophage, Grunt can name his first born after you, and you can do the same for him." Joker enthused.

Shepard folded her arms across her chest, and couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. At least there was one person who wasn't worried about having a baby on board. Joker folded his arms as if he were holding a baby, and cooed at his chest, "Little Grunt Joker Vakarian."

Shepard shook her head in fond exasperation, "Firstly, I might not be pregnant. Secondly, I would not name my child _Grunt._ Or Joker for that matter. And thirdly, why would it not have my surname?"

"I'm assuming you'll take Garrus's name after the wedding." Joker said.

"There's not going to be a wedding. I'm not pregnant!" Shepard snapped.

"Mood swings are a common symptom of pregnancy." EDI chimed in.

"Thanks, EDI." Shepard sighed.

"You're welcome, Commander." EDI said.

Joker spun his chair around lazily. He seemed to be deep in thought about something, and that left Shepard feeling nervous. When Joker was deep in thought, he was usually thinking of some inappropriate joke, and deciding whether to say it.

"You know what I wanna know?" He asked, stopping his spinning just before it made Shepard nauseous again. He held his hands out in front of his stomach and moved them forward, pretending he had a pregnant belly. Shepard blanched when she saw how far he held his hands out.

He seemed oblivious to her discomfort and asked, "Does the Alliance do maternity armour?"

"I don't think there's much demand for that." Shepard said.

Joker dropped his hands, making his baby belly disappear, "Have you told him yet?"

"No. But if he's seen the news, then he probably knows." After a pause, Shepard added, "And thinks it's Vega's."

"What?" Joker asked, looking like Christmas had come early. Shepard could already anticipate the wave of jokes she was going to be the butt of for a long time.

"It's a long story. I made the mistake of talking to Vega, and now the galaxy thinks I'm carrying his lovechild." Shepard said.

"Aw, little Grunt Joker Vega." Joker said.

"It's not Vega's!" Shepard said.

"Are you sure?" Joker asked, arching an eyebrow.

Shepard spun on her heels and stalked off. The sound of Joker's laughter followed her into the CIC.

– – –

With a sinking feeling, Shepard realised Garrus had disappeared. After searching every inch of the main battery, and the lounge, she had found nothing. No sign of him anywhere. She hoped desperately he hadn't seen the news story. She thought of what he must be thinking. All he knew was that she had wanted to tell him something, and been interrupted.

She realised with a shudder, he might think she had been planning to break up with him for Vega. Now she was pregnant with Vega's child, she couldn't keep her affair a secret.

Shepard smacked a hand to her forehead. She had been watching too much _Fleet and Flotilla_ with Tali, Garrus would never think she'd cheat on him.

Would he?

This was so stressful. This was more stressful than watching the galaxy be attacked by reapers. She wanted to scream. She left the lounge and decided to check the shuttle bay. For all she knew, Garrus had gone down there to confront Vega about their affair.

The lift doors opened before she even pressed the button, and she was greeted by the heart-stopping sight of Vega, with his arms folded across his chest, staring at her.

"Is there something you need to tell me, Shepard?" Vega asked.

"And me." Cortez said, making Shepard jump. She hadn't seen him there. Cortez smiled, "Well, more him than me. But I'd still like to be told!"

"Lounge?" Shepard offered.

Without waiting for an answer, she headed into the lounge and sat in an armchair. Vega and Cortez followed quickly and sat down on the couch. They stared at her and Shepard wondered exactly where to begin. The vomit inducing fight with Cerberus? Glyph searching her symptoms? The asari reporter? The fact that her boyfriend, and possible baby-daddy, had disappeared from existence?

Thankfully, Vega knew exactly where to begin, "Lola, please tell me we didn't get drunk, and I didn't accidentally knock you up."

"We didn't." Shepard said.

Vega let out a long sigh of relief, and Shepard wished she could do the same. At least Vega was free to continue saving the galaxy. Shepard had to look up midwives. Cortez looked between Vega and Shepard and leaned back in his chair.

"So, who's is it?" Cortez asked.

" _If_ there is a baby. It's Garrus's." Shepard said, "But it's not certain yet."

"How'd he take it?" Cortez asked.

"He doesn't know yet." Shepard admitted, glancing at the bottle of brandy behind the bar. Just one little glass wouldn't hurt...

Vega let out a long whistle, "Scars has no idea what's coming."

Shepard flopped back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. Garrus did know what was coming, which is why, she suspected, he'd run off. What if he never came back? What if she was left to be a single mother?

A sudden flare of indignation warmed her chest. No way was Garrus getting out of this easily. If he so much as thought about running away, between now and the time their baby grew up, he'd end up with a bullet in his leg.

"We've been thinking of names." Cortez said.

"It's not Vega's." Shepard said.

"Please, I know. I think I'd remember sleeping with you, Lola." Vega winked.

"You would." Shepard shot a wink back.

"Okay, inappropriate flirting aside." Cortez interrupted. He shuffled to the edge of his seat and grinned excitedly, "If it's a human, Steve Shepard."

"And if it's a turian, Vega Vakarian." Vega said.

Shepard stared at them. What was with her crew and wanting her child to be named after them? That was just weird.

"Not James?" She asked Vega.

"James Vakarian sounds like I married Scars." Vega said.

"You've got it all figured out." Shepard laughed.

"We haven't told you the best part yet!" Cortez said, "If it's a turian-human hybrid..."

James and Cortez held their hands out in presentation, and spoke in unison, "Steve Vega Shepard hyphen Vakarian."

"No." Shepard said.

"But-"

"No." Shepard interrupted Vega, "This biological impossibility has enough problems without also having the weirdest name in the galaxy."

"Yeah, it's got you as a mother." Vega muttered.

"I may be pregnant but I can still kick your arse, Vega." Shepard warned.

"Shepard. Mordin has boarded the Normandy." EDI's voice came over the intercom.

Shepard, Vega, and Cortez all stared at where EDI's voice had come from. Vega and Cortez looked away and back at Shepard with anticipation. Shepard just stared blankly at the ceiling. This was it. She had to go see Mordin and find out if she was pregnant or not.

Then either she continued to fight the war, without worrying about maternity armour. Or... or she had a baby to prepare for.

Her legs shook when she stood up, and Vega rose to give her a hand. She shook her head to show him she was fine and forced a brave smile. She bid her farewells to Vega and Cortez, before heading to the medbay, for a pregnancy test.

– – –

Mordin looked at her, and Shepard looked back at him. She swung her legs slightly, kicking the bottom of the hospital bed she sat on. She had had blood taken, been scanned, and been poked and prodded with a hundred different instruments, but Mordin hadn't given her an answer to her question yet.

"So, am I pregnant?" Shepard asked.

"No. Not pregnant. Not possible." Mordin said. He narrowed his eyes and observed her, "Too young for menopause. Possibly asari fever. No, no, never seen in humans. Side effect of biotics? No. Side effect of implants? Possibly. More research needed."

Shepard let him go. He paced up and down the room, mumbling to himself. He would occasionally come to a question, a possible answer to Shepard's weird symptoms, and then immediately dismiss it. Shepard wasn't hopeful yet. He had said she wasn't pregnant, but until he came up with an answer, she would be worried, that one day, she'd go into labour on the battlefield.

She swung her legs and looked out through the medbay window. Garrus hadn't passed by to return to the main battery. Shepard reminded herself to ask EDI to notify her when Garrus boarded the ship again. _If_ he boarded the ship again.

Eventually Mordin slowed his pace, having mumbled himself into a possible solution. Shepard leaned forward, straining to hear his quiet mumbling, "Side effect of sex aid pill? Unanticipated. Possible surge of hormones resulting in pregnancy scare."

He turned to face Shepard, "Shepard. You have taken pill non-stop since collector base?"

"Ah, no." Shepard said, making Mordin frown, "The Alliance took me off it. They weren't sure of the side effects."

Mordin sighed, "Humans. Never fully trust Salarian medicine. Shouldn't have taken her off it. Caused more side effects by suddenly stopping dosage, instead of decreasing slowly. Must send a letter to all Alliance personnel, informing them of sex aid pill."

"No, don't do that!" Shepard said, snapping Mordin out of his ramblings, "I've started taking it again."

"That is cause of symptoms, Shepard. Sudden stopping and restarting of dosage not healthy. I warned you first night you took it."

"You did?" Shepard thought back to the first night she'd taken it. It had been the first night she'd been with Garrus. She had had other things on her mind, "I must have forgotten."

Mordin pursed his lips, "Yes. Distracted. Excited. Understandable."

"So, I'm not pregnant?" Shepard asked.

"Unless you've had sex with others? James Vega, for example?" Mordin smiled.

Shepard glared at him, "No."

"Then no. No pregnancy, Shepard. As said earlier, levo and dextro protein species cannot conceive. Impossibility."

"Thanks Mordin!" Shepard called, she was already halfway out of the medbay.

So that settled that. She wasn't pregnant. Elation flooded her chest, and she felt like she could jump for joy. She realised belatedly she hadn't asked Mordin how to stop her symptoms, but that didn't matter. She could sort that out later, right now, she had other problems. She had to tell her crew, maybe she would just get EDI to announce it. Telling the galaxy would be a harder problem, of course.

First things first though, she had to find Garrus.

She jogged all the way to the lift, and almost made it inside, before Diana Allers accosted her. She marched out of the lounge, looking furious, with a camera droid bobbing behind her. She glared violently at Shepard, and for a brief second Shepard was actually scared.

"Not now, Diana." Shepard said, jabbing the lift button.

"Don't not now me, Shepard! How could you do this to me! Do you have any idea what that story would have done for my career!" Diana shrieked.

"Allers, I'm-"

"I don't want to hear your apology, Shepard! You owe me for this. You're going to give me an interview about your child, and I really want you to sell it. I want baby names, cooing over crib designs, your plan for maternity leave." Diana ordered.

"I'm not-"

"I don't care if you haven't got the time! You spoke to some other reporter about your child before you came to me? I've been on this ship for how long now? And I didn't even know you were with the marine! I thought you still had a thing for the turian!" Diana ranted, "I know you don't like me Shepard, but this is just cruel."

Shepard grabbed Diana's shoulders, shutting her up. Shepard grinned, and shouted, "I'M NOT PREGNANT!"

"What?" Diana asked, looking shocked.

"Listen to me, Allers. I'm not pregnant. I'm not having a baby!" Shepard beamed happily.

Next to her the lift doors dinged open.

"Shepard?" Garrus's voice asked from the lift.

Diana's eyes widened and she scurried off with her camera droid in tow. No doubt rushing to report the truth about Shepard's baby. Shepard froze and turned to the lift. Garrus was stood inside, looking at her, but she couldn't read his expression. He must have found out by now.

"Garrus." She said softly.

"Shepard, I need to talk to you. It's, ah, important." Garrus said. He stepped further into the lift and gestured next to him with his hand.

Shepard stepped in, and Garrus pushed the button for her cabin. They rode the lift in silence. For some reason, Shepard couldn't tell him she wasn't pregnant. Now that he was here, she was worried about what he would think. What if he did want a child? What if he'd heard about her baby and he wanted it? How could she break the news to him now?

He stepped out of the lift when it stopped and she followed him into her cabin. He lead her in as though it was his room and not hers, and she followed nervously. Was he going to dump her? Tell her he didn't want to be on the Normandy with a cheater? Tell her he didn't trust her anymore?

"Shepard." Garrus said, snapping Shepard out of her worried thoughts.

He turned to face her, and took her hand in his. He took a deep breath, like it was really hard for him to get out his words.

"I heard about the..." His eyes trailed down to her stomach and back up, "baby. I want to say if it is true, if we do have a baby. I won't just disappear. I'll stick around."

"Damn right you'll stick around, Vakarian!" Shepard said. She dropped Garrus's hand and placed her hands on her hips, "You're not ditching me with some geneticist's nightmare!"

"I would never..." Garrus paused, and looked down at her stomach again, "So it is mine? I saw the news, but Tali said-"

"I'm not pregnant." Shepard interrupted. She had enjoyed messing with him for a short moment, but the nervous flutter of his mandibles was too much for her. He looked so cute, so innocent. She couldn't keep it up for longer.

"What?" Garrus asked, his mouth dropping open.

"I'm not pregnant. It was just some stupid side effects. We're not going to be the parents of the world's weirdest kid." Shepard laughed.

"Oh spirits!" Garrus cried. He scooped Shepard into his arms and gave her a bone crushing hug.

"Not pregnant. Still need to breathe." She choked out.

Garrus chuckled and loosened his grasp. Shepard laughed too, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and her legs around his waist. She buried her face in Garrus's neck, and he held her against him for a long moment.

Shepard leaned back so she could look into his eyes, "Did you really think about ditching me?"

Garrus's mandibles flattened against his face, and he gave a half-hearted shrug, "Ah... Can you imagine what our child would look like? All squishy, and blue, and spiky, and _wrong._ Can you blame me for thinking _briefly_ about running away?"

"Honestly, I contemplated jumping over the Citadel balcony a few times." Shepard laughed.

Garrus carried Shepard down the stairs to her bedroom, and sat down on her bed. Shepard straddled Garrus, and placed a hand on his scarred mandible. He smiled at her, and brushed a hand down her waist.

"So, do you want to have fully protected sex in celebration?" Garrus asked.

"Absolutely." Shepard grinned, catching his mouth in a kiss.


End file.
